hope in shallow places

she was older, lost connection
lost that light above her head in all directions

Firstly, happy birthday to me; how lovely the last few days have been! I had the audacity even to ask the Lord for a present, and the heavens laughed; but He obliged. And how I am looking forward to finding out what my place in the world is (and what that means). It's always amazing to me how I don't know what I need; I think I do, but I don't, and what I think is a need is often no more than a want, and only He knows what really is necessary and how to bring it about best.

but she climbed that mountain, and cried aloud like a marching drum
sound your horns and heed your calling!

Every year I get a little more conscious of change coming and the fact that my heart is a little more broken as time moves on. Years really are like a river; once you've moved past a place, you can't reverse the flow of the river and go back. You can remember, but that's it. I'm a long way from where I thought I would be at 23, but in a good way. I'm not the person I thought I would be, and there is a little regret over things I would have done differently if the river could be turned back. I've made it a practise to read back through my journals with the Lord to see where I've grown and where I need to grow (with Him)...so I have been reading through the last years' worth of journal, and had to laugh. The questions I asked Him a year ago are the very same questions I'm asking Him today, and He's already answered them as much as He's going to. The person I thought I would be is not the person I am, but I'm not sure I would change that. I know I've disappointed Him (and myself) more times than I can count, but there is also a surety that there are things that have delighted Him as they've grown in my heart. I know who I want to be, and that there is work to be done.

there is work to be done, there is work to be done
we are all just dust to glory

I've been aware more lately that the places where I find hope for deeper things are shallow places. Because when I'm in deep places, I don't need hope; being wrapped up in a passion for something too great for human vocabulary leaves me curiously detached from the things we seek on a want basis. There is something greater and wider and deeper that pulls me in then and the reality overwhelms the hope.

there is work to be done, there is work to be done
bow your head to the mission story

Having work to be done is a hopeful thing in itself, though. Without purpose, what am I? (nothing, nothing, nothing - just dust, without the to glory)

he couldn't see it but he heard it
she saw him struggling with the symbols so she wrote it down

Here is what I know: I want my life to be the outworking of the grace of God spilled out on undeserving humanity, giving meaning to concepts to large for our comprehension.

she looked right through him, saw the shadows of the risen Son
cast your nets into the ocean

Casting nets and trusting are a beautiful ongoing message from the Lord to me. I remember when I started praying with one of my best friends, and trust was such a big struggle. It isn't as much as it used to be, that is certain - but the way He called us was so firm: "leave your nets and follow Me. Now." Forget anything else - no time. Just leave behind everything nets symbolize - safety. Surety. Complacency. Comfort. Out you come into the deep, into simplicity and reality, brighter things and more solid things.

(On an aside, I know what it is to look right through someone and see the power of Christ working through them, to be blown away by how strong the glory of the Lord is on them, and how deeply that touched me the first time I saw it. What a quiet miracle, and what a faith-affirming thing, and how much injustice words do to it! If you ever look up at someone, and suddenly realise that the presence of God is great in their life, and can almost see a mighty hand resting on their shoulder, cling to that moment because it will sustain you later).

oh there is work to be done, there is work to be done
we are all just dust to glory

Intended to be free...what does that mean? The least visible part of us is the most eternal part of us, and the only part that isn't destructible!

there is work to be done, there is work to be done
bow your head to the mission story!

Oh if there's work to be done! Then I am here, and ready to work.

and i remember when i borrowed all my healing from a stranger
and i recall when i reached out to the ocean like a soldier

I have to laugh at these lines. They are so improbable, but they are too much an accurate description of my life. Except that my healing isn't borrowed, it was bought at a terrible price, and set in divine concrete, the promise written in blood. We walk through life like soldiers, fighting when need arises, and then we come to an ocean shore and ache to be walking on water hand in hand with Jesus. But most of the time by the time we get to the ocean shore we're so broken and held together by little more than our armor built from experiences and our shields and weapons borne of pain and endless struggle, so instead of rushing down to the water we stand on the shore at war with our own hearts. Are we going in? Are we going to wait for the tide to rise and "come get us"? I don't know that that is even an option for me any more.

and the burning sun just made me colder
and the hollow moon just made me older
so i reached out of my body and the stars became a story
and i bowed my head in glory as the story ends in One

Being human is full of restrictions and desperation and burning desire for immortality. But we are immortal, and one day we will be free. And the heavens will sing the praise of He who was crucified and has risen. And today, I bow my head in glory, because all this story ends in One incredible, undeniable King of creation.

(lyrics: Steven Delopoulos, there is work to be done)