beloved in the desert

The Lent season has begun. It's always been one of my favorite times of the year. There's something different about it, something sweet and bitter and something firm and immovable wrapped in the winds of change. Change in me/unchanging Him. The sweetness of intimacy with Christ/the bitterness of being human and prone to failure. It's not about a religious routine; it's about 40 days and 40 nights the Messiah spent in the desert, a vital part of our redemption. It's a physical demonstration He gave us...this is where we gain great victory. Before we go to war, before we fight, before we even make a battle plan...before we sail from harbor, before we board the ship, before we even pack our suitcases, the desert beckons to us. Why? Because this is where we make Him Lord. Before we begin the adventure of a lifetime, we begin a different adventure. Every time I've walked these 40 days with the Lord, He does something I didn't expect, and I like it that way. I am reminded often of the words often repeated of Aslan: Oh, He is not safe! But He is good. How good He really is. It's been raining for days here, and over most of the country, and the whole earth looks clean. There are leaves all over the driveway, and it smells like fall, even though everything is still green. Everything I see has a double meaning, if you will. It is the end of summer, and the start of fall in the realm of physical seasons. But there is a shift also in the spiritual. Just as there are storms in the physical, so there are storms in the human heart and soul, and it is in the seasons of the heart that we learn to lean the best. These seasons are the ones where we learn to trust God in ways we might never have before. This is where we make Him our home.

How long has it been, Jesus
Since we walked hand in hand
A week seems to span eternity
In this infinite ocean of sand

So this is the 40 day season leading up to Easter, and it is a time to retreat to and wander in the desert; to face doubts and misgivings head on, to tackle the deeper things and find ourselves wanting. "Face yourself, man!"* I love that the Christian faith has this opportunity for "Retreating Into the Wilderness with Jesus". We retreat on our own but we are not alone. How simple, and how powerful. Why don't more people do it? I wonder, sometimes, as I begin the journey, how it is that I have forgotten to miss the 'extra' that is in it. Extra awareness of the Lord, then extra awareness that I am unworthy of His presence, then an extra joy, ecstatic joy, in knowing that regardless of that He loves me. How many times do we have to be called to repentance before we draw near His throne and bow?

And how did it come to be, Jesus
That I find you more near
Than the very heart that's beating
In my chest and better than my dearest dreams

The rainy seasons are precious for the feeling of being washed clean. The best part about being in the desert heat and resisting temptation is the cleanness that results. Some days, though, it feels too long and too tiring, and I don't want to pray, and I don't want to hunger. The heat is too much and the light is too bright. I forget, Jesus, I forget, and I don't want to forget any more.

Because I've been in this desert for so long
That I almost forgot the beauty of your song
But I still love waking up to You
Knowing that even here You want me to
Know I am Your beloved

Do you ever get the feeling that God loves us to talk to Him? I talk to Him all day, but my favorite time is at night when I'm waiting to fall asleep. The first and last moments of my day are spent just loving Him and telling Him about it (and asking for a good sleep...oh, the humanity!). But the best part of this is that I wake up every morning and I know He is there. I guess if you're married part of the joy (or not joy) is waking up with someone. But relationship with Jesus is a covenant too, and waking up with His presence is incredible. I mean...the creator of the heavens and the earth, who flung the stars into place and laid out the sky, who breathed life into clay and brought Adam to His feet and took one of His ribs and formed Eve from his bone - watches over me as I sleep, and delights to hear my voice in the morning. THIS is OUR GOD! (anybody want to add an amen to that?)

How far has it been, Jesus
Since we began this journey
Each day slips into eternity
But each moment lingers on in me

It's funny how there are moments that leap out and grab us and we never forget them, even if we never write them down or mention them to anyone. Sometimes those are moments of weakness that we are rescued from, sometimes they are moments of weakness we are not rescued from and we falter on our own. I am glad that the Lord is not afraid of honest prayer or of the ugliness of humanity, and that He does not number my sins against me. As David wrote, if He did - who could stand? But there are also whole days that are full with His glory resting on us, and still others that slip away into oblivion. Even those that slip away mark us...

And how has it come to be, Jesus
That You're more necessary
Than the very air I've been breathing
Better than the sweetest water dream

So we are three days into the wilderness. I suppose the next four will be spent just in getting further in. There will be surprises and revelations, that much is certain. But I am certain it will be a rollercoaster...I just need to cling to the promise that

Even here You want me to
Know I am Your beloved

* Dream Thearer, This Dying Soul